


Ashtray Heart

by AssassinatedBeauty



Category: Placebo (UK Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-28 23:10:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13914141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AssassinatedBeauty/pseuds/AssassinatedBeauty
Summary: His ribs poke through his pale skin. His face is pale and gaunt. He looks like a skeleton but he doesn't think he needs help.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place in 1998

Brian is so fucking beautiful.  
Why is he doing this to himself?  
He's started starving himself to be thin.  
He never eats anything anymore. No matter how much I tell him he's beautiful he doesn't fucking listen.  
He's skin and bones now. He seems fragile enough to break the second you touch him.  
His ribs poke through his pale skin. His face is pale and gaunt. He looks like a skeleton but he doesn't think he needs help. I keep telling him he needs help but he just won't listen.  
He has trouble walking at times. He needs help getting out of cars and needs to be helped out of bed in the morning. Everytime I help him I can feel just how much weight he's losing and it's really scary. His wrists are so fragile I'm surprised they don't shatter everytime he plays gutair. I can see his fucking spine and shoulder blades. He's also started purging. Everyday I hear him puking when he's barely eating anything and I get so nervous I've puked a few times out of fear.  
All he eats in a day is some Black Coffee.  
He's so cold all the time. His skin is cold to the touch.  
Doctors keep telling him he's going to die and knowing that Brian still continues to do this.  
He won't stop no matter how many people tell him he's sick.  
I think he wants to die,or at least dosent care if he dies.  
He is alway shaky and it makes me worry so much.


	2. 2

2 weeks later   
Brian is even thinner now. He's so skinny that he needs help just walking and getting out of bed. None of his clothes fit him. They're all baggy and lose despite the fact some of them are women's sizes.   
I've been losing weight too.   
I've started purging after I eat. It's safe and a healthy way to loose weight. Brian is so sick because he's purging on an empty stomach. I'm doing it safely. My clothes are already loose and I went down a shirt size!   
Steve is starting to notice but doesn't care.  
Brian dosent suspect a thing.   
It's after lunch when I run off to the bathroom and lock the door.   
I get down in front of the toilet and stick my fingers down my throat. I gag a few times before puking up my lunch.  
After I'm done I get a bad chest pain. I've been having these a lot.   
I spray the bathroom with air freshener so it doesn't smell like vomit.   
I walk into Brians room to check on him.   
He's sleeping now. He looks so fucking fragile. He's so pale.   
I close the door.  
I can't stand watching him waste away like this.   
(Time skip to dinner time)   
Steve helps Brian out of bed and we sit down at table.  
I start eating my food but Brian doesn't. He just tells he's not hungry. Steve looks frustrated and just carriers Brian back to bed. He's been really tired all the time.   
I finish eating and lock myself in the bathroom. After I'm done purging I see myself in the mirror and notice something.  
My cheeks are swollen.  
Not swollen but kinda puffy. I've been losing weight how are my cheeks getting puffy!?   
Disgusted I walk out of bathroom and go to my bedroom to go to bed. When I get there I notice something.  
My pants have been slipping down. I desperately try to keep them up but nothing works. I decide to just change into an old pair and get ready for bed.   
But there's one thing I need to do first.   
I get a razor blade I've been keeping under my pillow and start cutting my thighs. There's tons of angry red scars on them and a lot of white healed up ones from high school. There's so much blood. I think I cut too deep.   
I wipe off the blood and go to sleep.   
Hopefully tomorrow is better.


	3. 3

The next day  
I wake up and get dressed. My pants keep slipping down. Frustrated I grab a belt and use it to try to keep my pants up. I put on a baggy long sleeve shirt and go to the kitchen for breakfast.   
Brian is still sleeping but Steve is there. I sit down and eat all my food but then I go to the bathroom to puke it all up.  
I lock the door and shove my fingers down my throat again gagging and spitting up saliva a few times before finally puking my breakfast up. After I'm done I notice something that horrifies me.   
There's blood in my puke.  
I spit up blood a few times before flushing the toilet and I run out and into my bedroom locking myself in.   
I begin to panic .What do I do now!? Am I gonna die!?  
I hear a soft knock at my door.   
I open the door and Brian is standing there looking at me with his pretty eyes. His skin looks so pale and translucent. He's so unbelievably thin. His legs are pretty much twigs now.   
"Can I please come in?" he asks in a shaky broken voice.  
I tell him yes and he walks into my room. He's out of breath just from walking from the door to my bed.   
He looks so fragile. I'm surprised he hasn't broken his emaciated wrists yet.  
I sit down next to him and asks what's wrong.  
"Stefan...I need help,but for my eating disorder...but for something else" he shakily tells me before lifting up his sleeve and showing me his self harm scars.  
I'm in shock. Then I burst into tears. I hug Brian tightly. He hugs me back.   
I assure him he'll get through this. He smiles and asks what we should do now.   
I suggest just laying down together. Brian cuddles up next to me and he's cold. Like really fucking cold.   
He wraps his arms around me. He notices something.  
"Uhh Stefan...what are those little marks on your knuckles" he nervously asks me.   
I have little bruises on my knuckles from purging. Should I tell Brian?   
I decide not to claim I don't know how I got them.   
Brian says he doesn't believe me. He says he has the same marks from purging.  
I sit up starting to panic. I decide I should tell him.   
"Brian... I'm bulimic" I nervously tell him.   
Brian begins to cry. He asks why would choose to do that to myself. I just tell him I don't want to talk about it right now.   
He looks really distraught. I lay down next to him and he cuddles up next time me and we fall asleep together.   
We wake up at around lunch time. When we wake up we continue to cuddle a little more until Steve calls us into the kitchen.   
We walk in and I sit down at the table. I eat my lunch quickly. Brian is refusing to eat as usual. Me and Steve both sigh knowing that we're not gonna get him to eat. I try to carry him to his room but he asks to be carried to my room. I carry him to my room and lay him down in my bed.   
I go into the bathroom and lock myself in. I shove my fingers down my throat and gag a lot. I finally puke up my lunch and there's even more blood this time. I clean up the blood off my face. I walk out and walk into the living room and sit on the couch. Steve is sitting right next to me. He starts to look worried.  
"Stefan...you've lost a lot of weight. Are you sick?" he asks me. I smile a lot. It's working! I tell him that It's just a diet. He gets mad. "Stefan,you've lost way too much weight for it to be just a diet" he tells me in an angry voice.  
I decide to just tell him. It isn't a big deal.   
"I'm bulimic" I casually tell him.   
He looks horrified and shocked. I try to walk away but he makes me sit back down. He asks how often I do it and I tell him only after I eat. He's about to let me leave until he notices something else.  
"Stefan,there's blood on your shirt" he tells me in a shaky voice. I start to panic.  
"Steve,I need help. I've been puking up blood" I admit to him.   
He looks really scared. He says we should go to the hospital and I agree. I walk into my bedroom to get my shoes and wake up Brian. Then I see something that shatters my heart into a million pieces.   
He tried to kill himself by slashing his wrists and now he's bleeding out all over my floor.


	4. 4

I freak out and call 911. I carry Brian into the living room. He's bleeding so much. The paramedics get there and carry Brian into the ambulance. Me and Steve rush to the car and follow the ambulance. I'm sobbing but Steve is Just really scared.  
When we get there Brian is already in The emergency room. We run up to the reception desk and ask to see Brian. She leads us to were Brian is.  
My heart completely shatters again.  
Brian is hooked up to a lot of machines. Including a feeding tube.  
I sit down in the chair next to the bed. I hold Brian's hand. He looks so thin and small.  
The doctor then tells asks us to meet her in private.  
We follow her and she looks really upset.  
"Your friend isn't gonna make it" she bluntly tells us.  
I don't believe it. I can't believe it.  
I start sobbing and Steve is in shock.  
I run into Brian's room and he's still passed out.  
And he never woke up.  
2 weeks later  
I don't get out of bed anymore. Only when Steve makes me. Steve is trying to force me to get help. What's the point? I'm not sick. I only throw up after I eat.  
I sleep until around 2 in the afternoon. Steve drags me into the kitchen. He sits me down at the table. I look down at my legs. They look like Brian's did. I'm so cold all the time.  
Steve places some food on the table and says I should eat something since I missed lunch. I fake a smile and thank you and eat the food.  
After i'm done lock myself in the bathroom again. I stick my fingers down my throat again and gag a lot and spit up a lot of saliva. Before I can start puking Steve storms in and drags me out yelling at me how I'm gonna end up just like Brian.  
He never thought he'd be right.


End file.
